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I am no good at public speaking.
I am no good at using a computer.
I am no good at math.
I am no good at socializing.
This language is counter-productive since Private Logic is more firmly connected to today’s self-talk than yesterday’s influences.
In his landmark book, The Tyranny of Words, (1938) Stuart Chase contends that words have no meaning — individuals project meaning onto them. He substantiates his argument with the word communism. Your reaction to the word depends on your point of view and the meaning you project onto it.
Words can’t hurt you, but it is important to carefully choose your words. In my seminars, I suggest: “My parents weren’t poor; they just didn’t have a lot of money.” Poor is a label. Lack of money is often a temporary condition.
Labelling children as bad or good is mostly a thing of the past, but labels still persist. Calling people addicts implies that they are helpless victims. Every year thousands of people rid their lives of excessive drug use, shattering the theory that they “can’t help it.” Admitting they have a problem is the beginning of a long, tough road back, but labelling them as addicts may replace one dependency with another. A single word or phrase can influence the way a person reacts since:
Meaning is in people, not words.
A manager expressed dissatisfaction with an employee’s commitment telling me: “At 5:01 she’s in the parking lot. She’s not committed!” I asked. “Has she ever told you she was uncommitted?” “Of course not,” he replied, “but sometimes there is important work to do — and she just leaves.” Further investigation uncovered she is a single parent with a daughter to be picked up by 5:30 pm Given notice by noon, the mother was willing and able to stay and complete her work.
How do you feel about her level of commitment? Did your feelings change as you discovered the truth? Once her manager realized her situation, his view of her attitude changed. Check your thoughts. Do you attach meaning to other people’s behavior calling it their attitude? (Most of us do.)
The human mind is our final frontier — we can choose to boldly go where few minds have gone before! A friend and I play a word game especially when she gets frustrated with her fiancé. “He’s a jerk,” she says. “He is not a jerk,” I remind her: “He’s just acting like one.”
Here are a few more examples of mind-reading . . .
• I don’t like his/her attitude.
• He/she doesn’t care about anybody else.
• All they want is our money.
• People don’t want to work hard.
•She/he is arrogant.
• No one cares about quality.
• Companies don’t care about workers.
• Workers are lazy, greedy, and uncommitted.
Fight Back Action Tip #3
When you fall into the mind reading trap, remind yourself that you really don’t know another person’s motives—only their behavior. You could guess their motives, but before you do, remind yourself how often others make wrong guesses about your intentions and motives.
Mather’s Message:
“Everyone has one—no one is one.”
Labelling people as their behavior borders on being arrogant and ego-centered. People can change their behavior but cannot change the essence of who they are. Commit to letting go of a tendency to interpret what other’s think or mean and see what happens.
Consider how your thoughts deepen your emotional reactions:
• Just thinking about (that) makes me angry.
• I think he\she is such a pain in the neck.
• The mere thought of him/her makes me shiver.
• I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
• When I think of that song, I feel warm all over.
• The thought of flying makes me nervous.
Close your eyes and concentrate on a person or specific event. How do you feel? It is possible to make yourself feel good or bad without any external input! Your body reacts, and strong feelings surface as your mind uses neurochemical impulses to stimulate the appropriate glands. These feelings are remembered physical experiences that happen in you, not to you. Reaction time is instantaneous, but understanding and accepting the view that your reactions are internal is a giant step towards self-discipline and emotional control. Consciously choosing your emotional reactions to life’s experiences involves training the Inner-Horse. Only you can change its deeply held beliefs, so let’s go to work on it!
Nothing illustrates the power of words better than Angie’s story. Her father is a police officer. She was so proud of her dad that she could hardly wait to show him off to her class. One day he visited her school and gave a terrific presentation. She beamed with pride, but after class, several students scoffed at the “Pig.” Angie raced home in tears. Her mother greeted her at the door and dried Angie’s tears, telling her: “If you make the pig the most beautiful creature in the world, when they call your dad a pig—it’s a compliment!” From that time on, Angie and her family used the pig as a symbol of beauty. Today, she proudly wears a Pig Pin. At her father’s promotion he wore a Porky Pig tie under his uniform. To this day he displays Miss Piggy prominently in his office, and Angie’s friends send her all kinds of interesting pig souvenirs.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones—
But words can never hurt me!” (Unless I choose to be hurt!)
Fight Back Action Tip #4
When words sting, remind yourself that words have no meaning. Meaning is in you, not words.
Some may say that recognizing you are in a mental battle and defending yourself with fight-back strategies, gives you an unfair advantage! Take it!
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Headache pain is a serious issue costing North American businesses more than 17 billion dollars in lost annual production. The Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute conducted a study revealing half of headache sufferers miss at least two days of work a month. Doctors tell us that headaches happen in us—not to us, but how many times have you heard “I feel myself getting a headache.”?
Consider this: If you own a headache you can disown it. (Remember, we are discussing pain resulting from overemotional reactions here, not physical conditions.) Joel Saper, the head of the Institute, says job stress is a contributing cause. (Does this sound familiar?) Headache sufferer’s pain is real and they are not, in my view, weak or stupid. I am hopeful that the application of the principles in this book gives them access to way of relieving excessive or unnecessary pain stimulated by self-esteem’s dirty tricks.
While it is easy to blame outside events for our stress, this mindset restricts our ability to manage overemotional reactions. When I express this point of view, some people get themselves upset (their Inner-Horse?) accusing me of insensitivity. On the contrary, I am very sympathetic to headache sufferers and strongly suggest they follow their medical professional’s advice and their own instincts. Physical pain requires medical attention, but doctors tell me even headaches caused by chemical imbalance are intensified by emotional factors. Giving yourself a headache rather than getting one puts you back in the saddle!
A man told me his coworkers and his “difficult” customers “gave” him ulcers. The ulcer was real. Once he accepted the truth—that it was his ulcer—he changed his behavior and the ulcer disappeared. Remember, he sought medical attention for the ulcer (a smart thing to do), but it disappeared when he accepted full responsibility for his over-emotional reactions.
If this seems bizarre, rest assured it is more common than you might think. The disappearing ulcer is the logical consequence of natural laws. The air around you is filled with radio and television signals, but you can’t benefit from the technology until you tune in to each frequency. Similarly, these principles of self-direction and emotional control are at your disposal, if and when you decide to tap into their power.
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